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As I write this, it is December 14th, which is the feast of St John of the Cross. It is fitting that this is so. I am struggling today. I'm sure you have those days, too. Sometimes it is hard to believe that God made a world for us to share in, and give back to. In many ways, our farm feels like that. But even our homestead and family has struggled this week. I'll put it this way - installing a thermo-syphon system into your wood cook stove while attempting usual life with small children, has been a great lesson in energy, and entropy! Anyway, I’m lamenting a bit today. In this hemisphere, we are entering into the short days. I love the darkness. I love the stars. The moon. (I howled at the full moon this week, at midnight, no less). But the cost of hoping for racial equity, of hoping for the commons to be raised from the dead, can be so great. Some weeks are like that. I know in some ways it is my ego holding on too much. And in other ways… it is simply my heart breaking for the many who suffer needlessly throughout the world. So, in case you’re struggling too… as Rilke said, “just keep going, no feeling is final”. I could use that encouragement myself. I wrote this little lament today… as a balm… as a child’s cry… as a confession… that I’m feeling sad, and anything but unwavering, in my faith. One thing I do intuit... is that this lost feeling is deeply incarnated. It is a part of the process of allowing the great Navigator to gently take over the helm just a little bit more... and a little bit more. So that the subtle perceptions that engender real nonviolence can find stability, (in the midst of the malaise). And, it is important to go easy on myself, because the malaise is a symptom of my inner struggle with the moral neutrality of disturbances that create change, (or bring us to rock bottom). With gentle, tender, difficulty, here are the vulnerable lyrics of where I'm at this week. Maybe you're there, too. It is so interesting how some of us encounter sadness as we hope. Today I want all the answers I don’t want the mystery I just wanna know Is this going somewhere good? Is this going somewhere good? You can say it all happens for a reason But tell that to the child who's crying in the cage “This is going somewhere good, child” “This is going somewhere good.” The best things in life are free So we replace them with commodities How could that be something good? How could that be something good? Story. Music. Painting. Dancing. Cooking. Farming. Giving. Receiving. Loving. These are very good All these things are very good I know if I had all the answers I would kill the mystery And I would think I know it all… But is this going somewhere good? Is this going somewhere good? Can we take it somewhere good?
18 Comments
Kathleen White
12/15/2019 11:09:51 am
How blest we are to be in the midst of striving on our path to God!
Jack Heppner
12/15/2019 11:23:48 am
Thanks Alana for your honest and vulnerable lament. It expresses what I sometimes feel as well. I keep writing and advocating for a better world too. I am slowly learning that I need to be the change I hope for. Part of my calling right now is to head up the organic community garden here in our town of Altona. Since we have a lot of new immigrants in town it has turned out to be a very inter-ethnic and inter-faith gardening community. In the two years we have operated I have seen a lot of good things happpening at the garden. Last year we expanded from 57 to 90 plots and are hoping to go for 120 next year. Thanks also for the podcasts you do with Marcus. They are very inspiring!
Mary
12/15/2019 12:28:17 pm
Oh how your song resonated with me I've been having one of those weaks myself.! I know from past experience then I will come out of this a little deeper more loving and open to love as if this is a classroom where my heart and it's knowing become expanded. But the journey through it this week I have sensed such hope such beauty and yet at the same time such grief at what we're doing to ourselves our fellow man in this planet. The beauty and the suffering both exist in a part of the reality and each in its own way is part of my journey. Thank you for putting it into words Alana. My faith tells me, because God is love,somehow , someway, (this is the mystery)he is taking it all somewhere good.
Heather Howdle
12/15/2019 12:39:17 pm
Thank you, yes, it is a time of struggle, challenges and I have faith that it is going somewhere good, especially with families like yourself that keep it going 'somehwere good'. Blessing this 3rd week of Advent 🙏 12/15/2019 12:39:22 pm
Alana, even before I hear the words, you guitar brings tears to my eyes.
Mark L Robinson
12/15/2019 12:40:55 pm
And thank you for posting the words. I don't hear well and these words deserve to be heard.
Anne Roberts
12/15/2019 01:19:59 pm
This resonates with me perfectly after the disastrous election campaign full of lies and misinformation and the result which threatens to undermine the structure of the UK and its institutions in a bad way. Change we need but not the ones we are in for. Deep, deep sadness.
Viviana
12/15/2019 02:13:26 pm
Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you. 12/15/2019 04:35:19 pm
"...he offered up prayers and petitions with fervent cries and tears to the one who could save him from death, and he was heard..." Heb 5-7 🙏
Pat
12/15/2019 06:45:11 pm
Thank you Alana, for struggling with us! This was a very heavy week. I can't even name what I was feeling, but it was dark. It has passed, for the most part, but I am struggling to IMAGINE a time of peace. My little lion and lamb sit next to one another under the Christmas tree (Yes, it is up already because I needed it's lights) and they remind me that someday.....it will be real. As I proclaimed Isaiah 35 at Mass this morning, I felt the shift toward hope. It gives me such comfort to know that so many others are with me. Let us together IMAGINE that peace will come, because it has been promised. Blessings to you for your efforts to hold us together with your gifts of word and song!
Gretta
12/15/2019 07:27:53 pm
Thank you, Alana, for these hopeful, yearning words. I've been pondering the same thoughts this past week. Five years ago today our family waited in hope as our son went through a serious surgery. Your song, Felix Culpa, was my chant and lifeline through those dark hours. Thank you for your persistent voice over the years, giving words to our laments and offering your gentle nudges for us to reimagine our world. Blessings to you this Advent.
Alana
12/16/2019 12:56:27 pm
Hello Gretta,
Gretta
12/16/2019 06:34:24 pm
Wow! You have a great memory. Yes, we did meet in Ontario when you were touring with Steve Bell. I've been following your journey and have been inspired weekly by your words and music ever since. Thanks again!
Jim Deuser
12/16/2019 05:05:16 am
The words I'm meant to hear seem to come to me every day. today, yours were those words. I was talking with my "elder" the other day about this very subject of the paradox between our great joy in the journey and the great sadness, pain and suffering around us and I was reminded of the sign on the stage at a LS meeting. "The place You call me to is the place where my deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet." Thanks to your songs and ruminations, my Advent has had more meaning than in many previous years. God Bless you and God Bless Us All-Every One!
Carol Schak
12/16/2019 05:33:47 am
The more tender your heart, the more easily it can break and the more love it will have to give. The question, then is it’s own answer, isn’t it? Sometimes the hurt is so bad there are no words. You give us all the words with your songs. Love and prayers, heart to heart, Carol
Steve Sullivan
12/16/2019 08:13:40 pm
I am with you this week, Alana
Noel Keating
12/18/2019 02:13:18 am
What a beautiful song ... poignant, yet hopeful. Questioning yet advent-urous. 12/27/2019 01:31:07 pm
Thank you, Alana, for sharing this beautiful song of truth of the heart! Leave a Reply. |
AuthorAlana Levandoski is a song and chant writer, recording artist and music producer, in the Christian tradition, who lives with her family on a regenerative farm on the Canadian prairies. Archives
January 2022
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